And Then I Built An Alter...

"Your name is like honey on my lips

Your spirit like water to my soul"

This is nothing like I expected it to be. My thought was that I would come and be broken, my life wrecked for Christ. That every day would be a battle of change and that I would emerge this strong confident person who is on fire for God. Not an unworthy goal at all, but also not what God has in mind I think. He sort of did this in reversal. Instead He broke me before I even got here, I walked through the doors laid flat already. He told me this would happen... that He was going to use this as a time of rebuilding, and joy. That He was going to put a new song in my mouth if I traded in my sorrows. I was expectant of that as well, but I didn't realize what it would look like. I feel everything... you guys know that... wink. :) So the past few days have been full of emotion, but not in the way I expected. I have cried of course (because my name is Rachael still)  but the tears have been of either happiness, or surrender. Not pain! 

Yesterday we went into the middle of nowhere.... beautiful nowhere, and had a four hour "date with God." We could use it however we wanted, but it was just us, the whole time, delighting in God. I found myself sitting in the dirt under a tree as the sun set. There was this fluffy stuff, almost like the cotton off dandelions blowing and floating in the breeze, catching the sunlight. The mountains had this haze on them that was slightly purple, and there were no sounds except birds, and my own breathing. I found myself trying to cry, or have an emotion that I THOUGHT would validate my experience. Instead God said, "stop. Just stop trying so hard. Just be with me. Eat your dinner, sing, be still, listen, talk, walk, lie down. Just enjoy, enjoying me." And so I did. I ate carrots (possibly the most perfect carrots ever created) and sang and danced ( even when a shirtless hiker walked into my campsite) cried only a little, and talked about everything that I had been needing to process since I arrived. It was sweet. 

Then God said, "build me an alter." 

I did of course because when you are in the wilderness on a date with God... you do what He tells you. I sort of giggled out loud as I lugged the rocks into place that "this isn't gonna be a very pretty alter Father..." It actually turned out kinda perfect. I wrote everything down on pieces of paper that I had been holding in clenched fists, trying to control. I stuck them in the spaces of the alter and prayed an anointing of the Holy Spirit over it. When I got up and hoisted my backpack onto my shoulders I felt so much lighter than when I had come.
This is what I learned. Everything does NOT need to be huge for me right now. Sometimes it's the small victories that God uses, and in my case, it's just a better place for me to be. Emotion can be so beautiful, but so dangerous. I'm still a "feeler," but I'm going to choose to feel with truth.
This is just the tip of the giant iceberg God is sinking my Titanic with right now... but know that it is good, and He is good.
In all honesty, I'm exhausted. So pray for strength just emotionally, mentally, and physically. My days are SO FULL! Seriously, I have never conquered or covered so much ground in one day in my entire life!
Thank you for all of your prayers... I still stand in need of them.... a lot.

"You are so good, You never leave when I think you should. You are so kind, with all You see, You still give me life. I'll let you see me, I'll let you love me, I'll let you hold me until your done. I'll let you break me, I'll let you fix me, I'll let you save me until we're one."

What's goin on??

For all of you who wish to know... this is my exact schedule that I know of as of now. From the moment I arrive in Denver, till I hop on the plane home, here's the low down! :)

The Denver Stage:  May 19 – June 2This stage involves a series of classroom teaching at KBM’s Headquarters in Aurora, CO. During that time, you’ll begin a one-on-one relationship with a coach who will pray, help, encourage, and keep you accountable throughout the next year. You’ll be challenged by powerful messages from KBM speakers, equipped through practical skill workshops and individual sessions with a coach who loves you. And you’ll engage various ministry experiences that will help you to begin practicing a paradigm-shifting lifestyle of ministry.

The Dominican Stage:  June 3 – June 21In this stage, you will grow in your understanding of God’s heart for the nations as you experience multiple cultures in an international context. Locations may include the Dominican Republic, Haiti and Mexico. Classroom teaching will also be part of this stage, but cross-cultural ministry experiences will incorporate the majority of the learning environment.

The Deep Camp Stage:  June 22 – June 29In this stage, you will experience the value of investing your lives into others. You will continue to have the opportunity to learn from KBM’s speakers and staff as you serve as a camp counselor to a group of High School students at KBM’s Deep Camp held at YMCA's premier camp facility, Snow Mountain Ranch, in Winter Park, CO.

The Wander Stage:  June 30 – July 7This stage is uniquely designed to be a mystery. All we can tell you is that you will be “wandering” on the ultimate amazing race-style, multi-state road trip that will be filled with many ministry opportunities and learning experiences. It is designed to stretch your faith, keep you guessing, and help you see the world through a different set of eyes.

The Dreaming and Planning Stage:  July 8 – July 14The last seven days of the intensive training portion of the program is all about YOU! Back at KBM’s Headquarters in Aurora, CO, we will look at all the experiences you’ve had, all the lessons you have learned, all of the skills you’ve acquired and begin to dream and plan about how God will use you to reach your world for Christ. You will be inspired and encouraged by what you discover God wants to do through YOU! And at the end of the week, you’ll be holding a ministry and life plan that fits you like a glove.

The Ministry and Support Stage:  July 15, 2012 – May 18, 2013The entire program is focused on preparing you for the moment you return home on July 15th. Will you be prepared to live the life God created you for and engage a lifetime of God-glorifying, self-denying, real-world impacting ministry? In this stage, we’ll be meeting by phone on monthly conference calls as a team. How’s it going? How can we pray for one another, encourage one another and learn from what God is teaching us? Also, you will continue to be coached from a distance by your assigned coach. They’ll provide encouragement and accountability as you seek to live out the life and the plan God reveals for you.

Season Of Lasts

I am in it. The season of lasts. You know when you are getting ready to embark upon something you have waited a really long time for, something much anticipated, something that will change everything, and you enter that period of time where you start to realize... "this is the last time I will ever do this, THIS way."? The last time you will fill up the tank of your junky car with gas, the last time you will hug a particular person, the last time you will walk into a room and recall the history of that place... the voices and moments it holds, the last time you will sit on this couch and write a blog post about what is to come.
What IS to come?
All of these "lasts" leading up to the unknown is somewhat ironic... seems almost foolish, but I love that. If I knew what God has in store for me in this season of my life then all of the "lasts" would not be quite as mysterious...baited with promise, and hope.
Some of the 'lasts" are harder than others. Mostly just the ones involving people. I know that when I come home, everything will be different. I'm ok with that, more than ok! But that fact is there nevertheless. Life will not stop just because I'm not here. Others will have their own summers of epic proportions, or new relationships will be formed. They will laugh, and cry, and overcome without me. Some relationships I will not return to at all, or at least not in the same way it has been. I will change, and come home to a world of change in turn. At first this strikes a pang of fear in my heart... what if it's not the good kind of change? What if people don't like who I have become, or what if I don't fit here anymore when I return?
Those questions are totally NOT mine to ask. A wise friend said this to me yesterday... "don't let Satan fix your eyes fearfully on the future when God has so much he's doing right now that he wants you to pay attention to!" God has not given me a spirit of fear, He knows how I will change... and OF COURSE it will be good! It's change that is anointed by His hand! I have no reason to ask why or if... God fully capable. All I have to do if walk joyfully and expectantly into the waiting change. It will be good. I NEED change. I ASKED for change.
God has been telling me over and over recently that the place He is taking me is one of joy. He is finished with the season of mourning, and pain in my life. He is bringing restoration, and this is the time when He will rebuild what He has torn down. He is putting a new song in my mouth, and a new dance for my feet. "Follow the river out of the desert," He says. And I will. I'm laying down all of this for a new self. I'm leaving my baggage and bondage in the dust to discover the love of God like I never have before. The joy of the Lord will be my strength.
" You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, will revive me again, and bring me up from the depths of the earth. You shall increase my greatness and comfort me on every side." (Psa 71:20)
"Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river..." (Isaiah 66:12)
" I will go in the strength of the Lord God, I will make mention of Your righteousness, of Yours only." (Psa 71:16)

So here we go... I leave in the wee hours of the morning on Saturday the 19th. Please pray for safe travels, but most of all, pray for my swimming mind and emotions, that God would set my feet on solid, hopeful ground.
So the last thing I will say in this season of lasts is this....
"Here is comes.... The Beautiful Collision.... it's happening now."

It's Official!

Friends.... I am fully funded!
As of yesterday afternoon I am covered for tuition, flight, and loan payments while I am gone... not without the generosity of you all, THANK YOU!

I have a few prayer requests as I near departure...
1. Please pray that God would set the truth before my eyes, that I would hear His voice and follow.

2. Pray for the knitting together of my teams hearts to one another as we meet for the first time.

3. Pray that my identity would remain in Christ, not matter how I feel, who I am with, or where I'm at.

 Thank you for your prayers, so excited to share more with you all, LOVE!