And Then I Built An Alter...

"Your name is like honey on my lips

Your spirit like water to my soul"

This is nothing like I expected it to be. My thought was that I would come and be broken, my life wrecked for Christ. That every day would be a battle of change and that I would emerge this strong confident person who is on fire for God. Not an unworthy goal at all, but also not what God has in mind I think. He sort of did this in reversal. Instead He broke me before I even got here, I walked through the doors laid flat already. He told me this would happen... that He was going to use this as a time of rebuilding, and joy. That He was going to put a new song in my mouth if I traded in my sorrows. I was expectant of that as well, but I didn't realize what it would look like. I feel everything... you guys know that... wink. :) So the past few days have been full of emotion, but not in the way I expected. I have cried of course (because my name is Rachael still)  but the tears have been of either happiness, or surrender. Not pain! 

Yesterday we went into the middle of nowhere.... beautiful nowhere, and had a four hour "date with God." We could use it however we wanted, but it was just us, the whole time, delighting in God. I found myself sitting in the dirt under a tree as the sun set. There was this fluffy stuff, almost like the cotton off dandelions blowing and floating in the breeze, catching the sunlight. The mountains had this haze on them that was slightly purple, and there were no sounds except birds, and my own breathing. I found myself trying to cry, or have an emotion that I THOUGHT would validate my experience. Instead God said, "stop. Just stop trying so hard. Just be with me. Eat your dinner, sing, be still, listen, talk, walk, lie down. Just enjoy, enjoying me." And so I did. I ate carrots (possibly the most perfect carrots ever created) and sang and danced ( even when a shirtless hiker walked into my campsite) cried only a little, and talked about everything that I had been needing to process since I arrived. It was sweet. 

Then God said, "build me an alter." 

I did of course because when you are in the wilderness on a date with God... you do what He tells you. I sort of giggled out loud as I lugged the rocks into place that "this isn't gonna be a very pretty alter Father..." It actually turned out kinda perfect. I wrote everything down on pieces of paper that I had been holding in clenched fists, trying to control. I stuck them in the spaces of the alter and prayed an anointing of the Holy Spirit over it. When I got up and hoisted my backpack onto my shoulders I felt so much lighter than when I had come.
This is what I learned. Everything does NOT need to be huge for me right now. Sometimes it's the small victories that God uses, and in my case, it's just a better place for me to be. Emotion can be so beautiful, but so dangerous. I'm still a "feeler," but I'm going to choose to feel with truth.
This is just the tip of the giant iceberg God is sinking my Titanic with right now... but know that it is good, and He is good.
In all honesty, I'm exhausted. So pray for strength just emotionally, mentally, and physically. My days are SO FULL! Seriously, I have never conquered or covered so much ground in one day in my entire life!
Thank you for all of your prayers... I still stand in need of them.... a lot.

"You are so good, You never leave when I think you should. You are so kind, with all You see, You still give me life. I'll let you see me, I'll let you love me, I'll let you hold me until your done. I'll let you break me, I'll let you fix me, I'll let you save me until we're one."